Archive for February 2010

Things I didn’t realize until I became a parent

February 3, 2010

Babies cry. A LOT.  They aren’t cute chubby cherubs floating on clouds like those toilet paper ads suggest. They’re needy and whiny and utterly helpless.  It’s your new job as a parent to teach them that the world has enough to offer to make them coo, giggle and laugh.

Kids are disgusting and will happily live in filth unless you stop them.  Repeatedly.  It is completely necessary to tell another human being to change their underwear every single day.

The world as we know it, as we were introduced to it as children ourselves, is constantly changing; Pluto is no longer a planet, children use drawings and grouping instead of long-division in school,  and ”ain’t” IS a word.  It’s in the dictionary (see also, “ya’ll”).

It’s okay to let your feuding kids play video games once in a while so they can virtually kill each other instead of performing the real act.

A small child will without a doubt tell everyone you know exactly what you say about them behind closed doors.  Most likely at a dinner party or similar get together.

When you find the person you want by your side to help you raise your children you can no longer imagine what your life would be like without them.  It’s a partnership that makes you want to have all the answers to life’s biggest questions and gives you the drive to become a better person and parent.

A baby boy can urinate in the bathtub at an alarmingly fast rate.  Luckily your reflexes catch up after the first dousing or two.

Taking a hot shower by yourself  with no noise in the background, without any time constraints or sense of urgency, is a goddamn vacation!

The world is a scary, cruel, and volatile place that can take your children from you at any moment. You must keep them safe yet give them the distance to flourish on their own.

It’s okay to let a child be disappointed.  Coping skills are vital to grown up life and if everyone gets the 1st place trophy no one will learn to try harder until they earn it.

No matter how much your kids fight (even if they’ve drawn blood) they really do love each other.  They can spend five weekdays beating the crap out of each other but one day apart makes them miss their sibling.

“Because I said so” is a perfectly valid way to end any argument. …go ahead and ask me why.

Being in charge of a tiny new person’s life is the single most terrifying, exhilarating, heartbreaking, fulfilling, rewarding and amazing thing you can do.

Tuesday Quotes From Xavier

February 2, 2010

Things my precocious 4 yr old son says:

While watching me brush my hair

“If you want to be more beautiful you should get Bump It.  It doesn’t clip, it just slides on and it’s SO secure. You can get a second set with high Bump Its and small Bump Its”

Later in the evening

Me: “What can I use Bump It for?”

Xavier: “Oh, well, you can use it to look sassy, flirty or fabulous!”

On the topic of having to wipe his own butt in Kindergarten

“I don’t want to go to Kindergarten anymore”

When I tucked him in at night and told him to turn on his nightlight and climb into bed

“No mom! Tucking me in is not about telling me what to do”

On introducing himself to a new person

“Hmm.  That sounds like a boring name!”

When my husband sarcastically called our daughter a rocket scientist

“It means you’re a dumb crackhead, Maya”

When a motorcycle went zooming past us on the road

“Woah! That guy was going FUCKING FAST!”

As he walks into my bedroom while I’m hanging out in bed with my husband, Graham

Xavier: “Are you, ya know, having sex?”

Graham: “What’s sex?”

Xavier: “I don’t know. I just know on Mamma’s doctor show the girl wants it and the boy won’t give it to her.”